Confessions

Well, I have cheated. I've cheated some but this time really bad. In the past 3 days I have eaten a brownie each day. That's cheating on every level since they contain milk, gluten, and tons of sugar. I made them this past week for Bible study and then they have just been sitting on the kitchen counter staring at me and calling out to me. I gave in. 3 times. I feel pretty guilty especially since I haven't worked out for 2 weeks. What's happening to me?? I WILL work out today and will start fresh with my new eating style.

I was researching PCOS and diet and I guess I really have to focus on eating a whole lot less sugar. I'm thinking that those little dark chocolates are out too. Oh, sad. I haven't had a Diet Coke yet though! Yea! I guess I really should focus on the positive.

On a random note, I had a really great dream last night. I would write about it but I'm guessing it's so much better in my head. The point was that I think I feel love when I receive gifts-you know, from the 5 Love Languages book? Well, I received quite a few gifts in my dream and I was quite happy. I never thought of myself like that though. Interesting! Now I have to break that new info to my husband. :)

Well, I'm off to do The Firm. This is probably going to hurt a little bit! :)

That's Life I Guess

Well, I was thinking... I was sitting in church this morning next to Troy and in front of us was the cutest little baby boy and behind us was another super cute baby boy. I whispered to Troy, "Do you notice all the babies around us?" "Yes," he said. Hmmmm. Then the pastor started up his sermon by informing all of us that his wife just gave birth to their 3rd child-a girl! Now, I know that I am more in tune with pregnant talk and baby talk, but COME ON! Wow, that was a tough one. I kept asking myself, what's the purpose of this? Maybe I look to deep into things but I don't know.

More about the diet thing. I was told to give up gluten, dairy, diet coke, and basically any sugary foods and preservatives. It's tough to actually eat like this! I have had a lot of rice and beans and chicken. The first week was the toughest but now I'm doing ok. The toughest part is being around the temptations, but even that is getting easier. Yea! Surprisingly enough my brother and Jennifer have been really supportive with the whole diet thing. We had my bro over for dinner last night and he brought ingredients for dessert. He made a banana pie all organic and gluten-free. I thought it was so sweet of him. He even ate the quinoa vegetable stew I had made and pretended to like it. No, it actually is pretty good. :)

I guess I don't really know how I feel about the diet changes to help get a baby. I guess I'm willing to try and if I lose a few pounds and get healthier I guess that would be ok too.

People

Well, this is just a random posting of my thoughts of the moment. People are constantly surprising me. Well, MANY people don't know this and I don't know how many people read my blog and will find out, but part of me feels as though I should come out of the closet about a major part of my life. Ok, not THAT kind of coming out of the closet-ha ha. I have been diagnosed with the condition PCOS and well, I don't want to explain it so if you don't know what it is you can google it. It's basically getting the diagnosis of infertility. It's tough. It sucks. It is probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I always thought that the hardest thing for me in my life would be my divorce I went through in 2002. This is tougher.

I have had more up and down feelings about it than I can even try to explain. The reason I have labeled this post people though is because I have had some amazing support. I have had support from people by them just not asking me questions. That sounds weird but this has been such a private matter for us that we really haven't told anyone. I recently opened up to a co-worker and she started crying about it. I was shocked! She felt so sorry for me that she actually cried. I felt so loved in that moment and it made me realize that maybe I really need to start trusting more people with some of my thoughts and feelings. I have another friend that understands how hard it is for me to talk about so she never asks me a thing. I know she cares though and I appreciate her so much for having that depth of understanding. I have another friend who went through something similar and she is amazing. She knows what to say-given the little info I give her, and the right Bible verses to send and she tells me she's praying for me. We have many people praying for us and I think that's the best thing for me to hear. I LOVE the prayers. Frankly, to be completely honest, Troy and I are a bit frustrated with God and we don't know why we are going through this, so the prayers REALLY help. I keep telling myself though that there's a reason for everything and God's timing is perfect. I am trying to live in that but it's HARD when I see a negative preg test month after month.

So, you're probably wondering what are you gonna do about it? Well, that's the part where the understanding of people REALLY comes in handy. That's the part I don't like to talk about. Maybe some day but just not right now. You see, I'm such a dang sensitive person and I get nervous about what comments will be made. We just decided that this part of our lives should be kept between the two of us. I will say that I have read that diet and exercise can help with my kind of issue so I did drastically change my diet and have started exercising about 3 times a week. This sounds easy, but for me it's been SUPER hard. I'm dramatic I know. Let's put it this way, I basically had to give up my favorite things Diet Coke and dessert. Sad, I know. Do I feel better? Ahh, sort of. The best part is that I've lost 5 lbs in 2weeks. That's something to celebrate.:) I can write more about the diet later.

My biggest thing is that I don't want pity. I guess I just want prayers and more prayers. And, if I don't feel like talking about it or if I want to pretend that I don't have this issue in front of me, PLEASE don't be offended. This writing about it might be the best therapy for me-I don't know.

Thanks for reading and for your understanding.